Who’s on Second – Third Base! AKA Weekend Wrap Up

Oh My Goodness – I never realized just how true this round-about was!  The old-folks kicked my ARSE, they did this weekend! 

who's on secondSo, when a 70+ year old Alzheimer patient tells you they ‘have to pee’ – well, you’re there to help them out.  Little did I realize (at the time), he’s in a brief [a pull-up, sized ‘Adult Large’ – for all you lay-folk] … OK.  Super-nurse to-the-rescue. hospital urinal

  • “OK, stand up.”  Yeah, not so steady … Let’s untie this origami-knot(!) that’s holding your shorts up.  What’s this?  A urine soaked brief … ???  OK, easy enough to remove … 
  • “Now, here’s the urinal…”
  • “WHAT?  I don’t see any urinal.”  …
  • “Well no – it’s a plastic bottle, wait a minute … ok, you’re all set …”
  • “I don’t see a urinal …”  And, this is where I’m in a precarious position, trying frantically to convince a male patient he is ‘safe’ to urinate … “Hold on, don’t move – OK, all set … you can ‘go’ – now!”
  • urinal“But, I don’t see a urinal …”  No.  You wouldn’t, as I am on the floor, holding the plastic bottle in place, all but begging you to pee … NOW!!!

Nursing is so … dignified?!?  No, it’s about maintaining dignity!  Moving on …

Next patient … 90 year old, TKO – heavy weight champion … “OK, you’re going to stand up, turn and sit on the bed-side commode. “

  • “What?  You want me to stand?” 
  • “Well, sure … isn’t that what you do at home to get to the bathroom?”  
  • Come on, PULL!  “You WILL stand up, NOW [soldier!] and sit down on that toilet seat.  Falling is NOT an option …” [Best drill-sergeant/sternest-MOM-voice … EVER!]
  • [Houston, we have landed.  But, wait … there’s a problem …]  “No, don’t go yet … you need to scoot over, just a bit … you’re not centered/on the ‘toilet’ seat yet.  No, move over a bit more … More … OK, centered.  Good!”
  • … “GO!” …
  • …  All done?  OK … You can’t get up? … Umm, how do you do this at home, again? …And, I proceed to safely WRESTLE ASSIST the patient back onto the stretcher …

So, both patients met their ELIMINATION needs … I’m pretty sure I lost about 10 pounds of sweat-equity/water-weight … But, you know – I’m in that super-fun stage of POWER-SURGES/hot flashes … Both patients=Dignity intact.  The nurse, however, will never be the same again …


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