Who’s on Second – Third Base! AKA Weekend Wrap Up

Oh My Goodness – I never realized just how true this round-about was! The old-folks kicked my ARSE, they did this weekend!

So, when a 70+ year old Alzheimer patient tells you they ‘have to pee’ – well, you’re there to help them out. Little did I realize (at the time), he’s in a brief [a pull-up, sized ‘Adult Large’ – for all you lay-folk] … OK. Super-nurse to-the-rescue.

“OK, stand up.” Yeah, not so steady … Let’s untie this origami-knot(!) that’s holding your shorts up. What’s this? A urine soaked brief … ??? OK, easy enough to remove …
“Now, here’s the urinal…”
“WHAT? I don’t see any urinal.” …
“Well no – it’s a plastic bottle, wait a minute … ok, you’re all set …”
“I don’t see a urinal …” And, this is where I’m in a precarious position, trying frantically to convince a male patient he is ‘safe’ to urinate … “Hold on, don’t move – OK, all set … you can ‘go’ – now!”
“But, I don’t see a urinal …” No. You wouldn’t, as I am on the floor, holding the plastic bottle in place, all but begging you to pee … NOW!!!

Nursing is so … dignified?!? No, it’s about maintaining dignity! Moving on …

Next patient … 90 year old, TKO – heavy weight champion … “OK, you’re going to stand up, turn and sit on the bed-side commode. “

“What? You want me to stand?”
“Well, sure … isn’t that what you do at home to get to the bathroom?”
Come on, PULL! “You WILL stand up, NOW [soldier!] and sit down on that toilet seat. Falling is NOT an option …” [Best drill-sergeant/sternest-MOM-voice … EVER!]
[Houston, we have landed. But, wait … there’s a problem …] “No, don’t go yet … you need to scoot over, just a bit … you’re not centered/on the ‘toilet’ seat yet. No, move over a bit more … More … OK, centered. Good!”
… “GO!” …
… All done? OK … You can’t get up? … Umm, how do you do this at home, again? …And, I proceed to safely WRESTLE ASSIST the patient back onto the stretcher …

So, both patients met their ELIMINATION needs … I’m pretty sure I lost about 10 pounds of sweat-equity/water-weight … But, you know – I’m in that super-fun stage of POWER-SURGES/hot flashes … Both patients=Dignity intact. The nurse, however, will never be the same again …